(According to a forwarded email, the following quotes are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts," and they're supposed to be things people actually said in court, as recorded by court reporters.
I don't know whether they're true, but I was a journalist who covered court cases for several years, and these things all SOUND true.)
-----------------------
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
-----------------------
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
-----------------------
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
-----------------------
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
-----------------------
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
-----------------------
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
-----------------------
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
-----------------------
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shit'in me?
-----------------------
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby)was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
-----------------------
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
-----------------------
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
-----------------------
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
-----------------------
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
-----------------------
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
-----------------------
ATTORNEY: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
-----------------------
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
-----------------------
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
-----------------------
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Monday, June 18, 2007
Rejected Barbie Doll Names
(list compiled and invented exclusively by Mark Alan Hurst and Wil Chandelle Fry IV, in Memphis, Tenn., May of 1997)
(This isn't for young children, unless you're prepared to answer some difficult questions.)
1. Leper Barbie
2. Epileptic Barbie
3. Hermaphrodite Barbie
4. Bearded Barbie
5. Syphilis Barbie
6. AIDS Barbie
7. Rigamortis Barbie
8. Bed-Wetting Barbie
9. Diarrhea Barbie
10. Anorexic Barbie
11. Bulimic Barbie
12. Crack-Head Barbie
13. Obesity Barbie
14. Quadriplegic Barbie
15. Truck Stop Barbie
16. Blow Job Barbie
17. No Job Barbie
18. Sex Toy Barbie
19. Vibrator Barbie
20. Flat-Chested Barbie
21. Mutant Barbie
22. Radioactive Barbie (glow-in-the-dark!)
23. Hellen Keller Barbie
24. Fartin' & Belchin' Barbie
25. Harelip Barbie
26. Bucktooth Barbie
27. Senile Barbie (a.k.a. "Alzheimer Barbie")
28. Alcoholic Barbie
29. Weightlifting Barbie
30. Drag Queen Ken
31. Teenage Pregnant Barbie
32. False Teeth Barbie
33. Chemotherapy Barbie
34. Lesbian Barbie
35. B.O. Barbie (now with scratch-N-sniff!)
36. Bestiality Barbie
37. Mongoloid Barbie
38. PMS Barbie
39. Brain Dead Barbie (a.k.a. "Vegetable Barbie")
DISCLAIMER: None of the Barbie Dolls listed herein should be construed to represent actual Barbie Dolls. This list is intended purely for the purpose of fictional humor, and is not intended to offend or poke fun at any disadvantaged group of humans. Please feel free to laugh, without feelings of animosity toward the authors (who may or may not also be characters of fictional humor).
(This isn't for young children, unless you're prepared to answer some difficult questions.)
1. Leper Barbie
2. Epileptic Barbie
3. Hermaphrodite Barbie
4. Bearded Barbie
5. Syphilis Barbie
6. AIDS Barbie
7. Rigamortis Barbie
8. Bed-Wetting Barbie
9. Diarrhea Barbie
10. Anorexic Barbie
11. Bulimic Barbie
12. Crack-Head Barbie
13. Obesity Barbie
14. Quadriplegic Barbie
15. Truck Stop Barbie
16. Blow Job Barbie
17. No Job Barbie
18. Sex Toy Barbie
19. Vibrator Barbie
20. Flat-Chested Barbie
21. Mutant Barbie
22. Radioactive Barbie (glow-in-the-dark!)
23. Hellen Keller Barbie
24. Fartin' & Belchin' Barbie
25. Harelip Barbie
26. Bucktooth Barbie
27. Senile Barbie (a.k.a. "Alzheimer Barbie")
28. Alcoholic Barbie
29. Weightlifting Barbie
30. Drag Queen Ken
31. Teenage Pregnant Barbie
32. False Teeth Barbie
33. Chemotherapy Barbie
34. Lesbian Barbie
35. B.O. Barbie (now with scratch-N-sniff!)
36. Bestiality Barbie
37. Mongoloid Barbie
38. PMS Barbie
39. Brain Dead Barbie (a.k.a. "Vegetable Barbie")
DISCLAIMER: None of the Barbie Dolls listed herein should be construed to represent actual Barbie Dolls. This list is intended purely for the purpose of fictional humor, and is not intended to offend or poke fun at any disadvantaged group of humans. Please feel free to laugh, without feelings of animosity toward the authors (who may or may not also be characters of fictional humor).
Friday, June 1, 2007
In Honor of Stupid People
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed due to stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(but that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be...?)
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
(printed on bottom) "Do not turn upside down."
(well ... a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(and you thought...?)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could really reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just got those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(I'm taking this because...?)
On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor"
"Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(step 3: say what?)
On a child's Superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God ... was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
In fact, almost any product made or sold today contains silly warnings like these. Feel free to send in your favorites.
On a Sears hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(but that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be...?)
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
(printed on bottom) "Do not turn upside down."
(well ... a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(and you thought...?)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could really reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just got those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(I'm taking this because...?)
On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor"
"Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(step 3: say what?)
On a child's Superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God ... was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
In fact, almost any product made or sold today contains silly warnings like these. Feel free to send in your favorites.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
An Oklahoman In Hell
An Oklahoma farmer dies and -- being a heathen -- goes to Hell.
When he gets there, it's 95 degrees Fahrenheit with 90% humidity, but Satan notices the farmer is kicked back on the brimstone, relaxing comfortably.
He asks, "Why aren't you miserable like everyone else here?"
The farmer replies, "Oh, this is like a warm spring day in southern Oklahoma. I like it."
Angrily, Satan turns up the thermostat until it's 100 degrees and 95% humidity. Still, the farmer's happy. "This is like a good June day on the farm. Not bad at all."
Furious, Satan turns it up to 105 degrees and 99% humidity. Everyone is even more miserable, except the Oklahoma farmer, still resting.
"Hey, this is like a good August day on the farm bailing hay -- feels good -- the hotter the better."
In a total rage, Satan turns the thermostat down to minus 25 degrees. Within seconds, the air becomes chilly and frost appears, soon followed by solid ice everywhere. Satan smirks, watching the farmer.
The confused farmer looks down at the frozen ground for a moment, suddenly jumps up excitedly, looks around everywhere and begins to laugh, scream, and jump for joy.
"OSU WON A NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP!"
When he gets there, it's 95 degrees Fahrenheit with 90% humidity, but Satan notices the farmer is kicked back on the brimstone, relaxing comfortably.
He asks, "Why aren't you miserable like everyone else here?"
The farmer replies, "Oh, this is like a warm spring day in southern Oklahoma. I like it."
Angrily, Satan turns up the thermostat until it's 100 degrees and 95% humidity. Still, the farmer's happy. "This is like a good June day on the farm. Not bad at all."
Furious, Satan turns it up to 105 degrees and 99% humidity. Everyone is even more miserable, except the Oklahoma farmer, still resting.
"Hey, this is like a good August day on the farm bailing hay -- feels good -- the hotter the better."
In a total rage, Satan turns the thermostat down to minus 25 degrees. Within seconds, the air becomes chilly and frost appears, soon followed by solid ice everywhere. Satan smirks, watching the farmer.
The confused farmer looks down at the frozen ground for a moment, suddenly jumps up excitedly, looks around everywhere and begins to laugh, scream, and jump for joy.
"OSU WON A NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP!"
Cars v. Computers
Someone once said, "If the automobile industry had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $250 cars that got 200 miles to the gallon."
In response:
If cars were developed like Microsoft makes computers, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash ... twice a day.
2. Every time the state repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car to be compatible.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a routine maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine (you wouldn't have to buy a new engine, but it would take several hours ... After reinstalling the engine, all the other parts would have to be reinstalled as well.)
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads. (And would cost twice as much.)
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying. (So would the brakes.)
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
In response:
If cars were developed like Microsoft makes computers, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash ... twice a day.
2. Every time the state repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car to be compatible.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a routine maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine (you wouldn't have to buy a new engine, but it would take several hours ... After reinstalling the engine, all the other parts would have to be reinstalled as well.)
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads. (And would cost twice as much.)
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying. (So would the brakes.)
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
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