Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. When a cell phone on a bench rings,a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall and found a beautiful coat. It's only $1,000. Can I buy it?"
MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the models and I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! One more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking $750,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just offer $740,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Monday, October 31, 2005
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Friday, October 28, 2005
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Teaching Math in the United States
The way that math is taught has changed over the years. Let's see if you can spot the differences.
Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M."
The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M."
Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?
Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment:
Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? What's wrong about it?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees?
(There are no wrong answers.)
Teaching Math in 2000:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60? And how many documents were shredded to achieve this number?
Teaching Math in 2010:
El Loggero se habla with the truckero y se ponen de acuerdo con otro driver de la competencia y etc...
You get the picture.
Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M."
The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M."
Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?
Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment:
Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? What's wrong about it?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees?
(There are no wrong answers.)
Teaching Math in 2000:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60? And how many documents were shredded to achieve this number?
Teaching Math in 2010:
El Loggero se habla with the truckero y se ponen de acuerdo con otro driver de la competencia y etc...
You get the picture.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
HALLOWEEN SAFETY TIPS
Halloween is coming soon, and it's never too early to practice these safety tips. Here are some rules to keep you safe on Halloween.
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead. It isn't.
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement or the attic, even if the power is out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language that they shouldn't know, shoot them immediately. Shooting them will save you much grief in the long run; however, it will take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This tip also applies to anyone who speaks with someone else's voice.
5. When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off and go alone.
6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This rule also applies to any other house of the dead.
8. If you are searching for something that caused a loud noise and find out that it was just the cat, get the hell out. Expeditiously.
9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits. Again, get the hell out.
10. Do not take anything from the dead. No matter how much you like it, it's bound to disagree with you sooner or later.
11. If you find a town that looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip and fall down at least twice -- more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that despite the fact that you are running while the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination with blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, then kill them immediately.
15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Haddonfield, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, and any small town in Maine, Maryland, and Massachusetts.
16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to use the telephone. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself in the head. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
17. Beware of strangers bearing strange tools like chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawn mowers, butane torches, soldering irons, and ice picks.
18. If you discover that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This rule also applies to houses with previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion.
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead. It isn't.
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement or the attic, even if the power is out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language that they shouldn't know, shoot them immediately. Shooting them will save you much grief in the long run; however, it will take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This tip also applies to anyone who speaks with someone else's voice.
5. When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off and go alone.
6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This rule also applies to any other house of the dead.
8. If you are searching for something that caused a loud noise and find out that it was just the cat, get the hell out. Expeditiously.
9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits. Again, get the hell out.
10. Do not take anything from the dead. No matter how much you like it, it's bound to disagree with you sooner or later.
11. If you find a town that looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip and fall down at least twice -- more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that despite the fact that you are running while the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination with blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, then kill them immediately.
15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Haddonfield, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, and any small town in Maine, Maryland, and Massachusetts.
16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to use the telephone. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself in the head. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
17. Beware of strangers bearing strange tools like chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawn mowers, butane torches, soldering irons, and ice picks.
18. If you discover that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This rule also applies to houses with previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion.
Friday, October 21, 2005
What's Today's Headline?
I got these from a Headline Workshop I attended, for the newspaper I work for. The instructor was trying to caution us to BE CAREFUL when writing headlines. You'll understand what I mean.
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Southern Boys
The Top Forty Things You Will Never Hear A Southern Boy Say:
40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrestling's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the SMALL bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. "You All."
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
And, Number ONE is:
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight
40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrestling's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the SMALL bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. "You All."
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
And, Number ONE is:
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight
This is an Old One
In my old email archives, I found this email joke. Apparently, a bunch of geniuses came up with Viagra advertising slogans, using only old slogans. Check out the top ten:
10. Viagra: Whaaazzzzz Up!
9. Viagra: the quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra: Like a rock!
7. Viagra: When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra: Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra: Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra! Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra: Tastes great! More filling!
2. Viagra: we bring good things to life!
and the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your penis.. This is your penis on drugs.
10. Viagra: Whaaazzzzz Up!
9. Viagra: the quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra: Like a rock!
7. Viagra: When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra: Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra: Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra! Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra: Tastes great! More filling!
2. Viagra: we bring good things to life!
and the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your penis.. This is your penis on drugs.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Who Is the President?
The President of the United States went to visit a nursing home...
He walked up to a lady in a wheelchair and said, "Ma'am, do you know who I am?"
She answered, "No sir, I don't know who you are, but if you go up to that desk they can tell you."
He walked up to a lady in a wheelchair and said, "Ma'am, do you know who I am?"
She answered, "No sir, I don't know who you are, but if you go up to that desk they can tell you."
Monday, October 17, 2005
Improving Software
Software companies continue to assure us that they're working on improving their "applications" (programs) to make them more user-friendly and easy to use. Here are a few more ideas for menu options.
Sunday, October 16, 2005
Kids Hear Everything
A young couple invited their pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth. "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day'."
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth. "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day'."
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Slow Response
George Phillips of Meridian, Miss., was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no.
Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Saturday, October 8, 2005
Wednesday, October 5, 2005
The Amazing Claude
It was opening night at the theater and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Crap," said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theater.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Crap," said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theater.
Tuesday, October 4, 2005
IMPRESSIONS
------------------------------------------
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Wine her
Dine her
Call her
Hug her
Support her
Hold her
Surprise her
Compliment her
Smile at her
Listen to her
Laugh with her
Cry with her
Romance her
Encourage her
Believe in her
Pray with her
Pray for her
Cuddle with her
Shop with her
Give her jewelry
Buy her flowers
Hold her hand
Write love letters to her
Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked ... Bring food ... Don't block the TV
------------------------------------------
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Wine her
Dine her
Call her
Hug her
Support her
Hold her
Surprise her
Compliment her
Smile at her
Listen to her
Laugh with her
Cry with her
Romance her
Encourage her
Believe in her
Pray with her
Pray for her
Cuddle with her
Shop with her
Give her jewelry
Buy her flowers
Hold her hand
Write love letters to her
Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked ... Bring food ... Don't block the TV
------------------------------------------
Monday, October 3, 2005
'How Many Is a Brazilian?'
Two blondes were reading their newspapers and one of them sees a headline that says:
"TWO BRAZILIAN SOLDIERS KILLED"
She thinks for a minute, and then whispers to her friend, "Pssst ... How many is a 'Brazilian'?"
"TWO BRAZILIAN SOLDIERS KILLED"
She thinks for a minute, and then whispers to her friend, "Pssst ... How many is a 'Brazilian'?"
A Northerner's Guide to a Few Southernisms
SOUTHERNISMS
Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.
He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Have a cup of coffee; it's already been "saucered and blowed."
She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm.
It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.
My cow died last night, so I don't need your bull.
He's as country as cornflakes.
This is gooder'n grits.
If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.
I'm 'bout as...
...Nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
...Busy as a moth in a mitten.
...Happy as a clam at high tide.
ADVICE FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING TO THE SOUTH:
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly.
Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
If you DO run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive pickup with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol," as in "big ol truck," or "big ol boy." "Fixin" (as in "I'm fixin to go to the store") is second, and "Y'all" is third.
As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55-mph zone directly in the middle of the road, remember: MOST Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere tractor, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!", get out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.
Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.
If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do.
Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house and should, therefore, be prominently displayed. (Editor: This one has expired since the 8-foot satellite dishes are no longer the norm. You'll still see them occasionally, though.)
One last warning but probably the most important one to remember: Be advised that in the South, "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.
He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Have a cup of coffee; it's already been "saucered and blowed."
She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm.
It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.
My cow died last night, so I don't need your bull.
He's as country as cornflakes.
This is gooder'n grits.
If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.
I'm 'bout as...
...Nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
...Busy as a moth in a mitten.
...Happy as a clam at high tide.
ADVICE FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING TO THE SOUTH:
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly.
Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
If you DO run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive pickup with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol," as in "big ol truck," or "big ol boy." "Fixin" (as in "I'm fixin to go to the store") is second, and "Y'all" is third.
As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55-mph zone directly in the middle of the road, remember: MOST Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere tractor, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!", get out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.
Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.
If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do.
Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house and should, therefore, be prominently displayed. (Editor: This one has expired since the 8-foot satellite dishes are no longer the norm. You'll still see them occasionally, though.)
One last warning but probably the most important one to remember: Be advised that in the South, "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
Gasoline Jokes Just Aren't Funny Anymore
When I first received these little cartoons about high gas prices, the price was still under $2 per gallon. They were funny then. Now that gas prices are hovering around $3 a gallon, it just doesn't seem as funny anymore.
Sunday, October 2, 2005
Are You an Oklahoman?
You know you're from Oklahoma if:
1. You can properly pronounce Eufaula, Gotebo, Okemah, andChickasha.
2. You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies.
3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.
4. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
5. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
6. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.
7. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.
8. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
9. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
10. You measure distance in minutes.
11. You refer to the capital of Oklahoma as "The City."
12. It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash.
13. Little smokies are something you serve only for special occasions.
14. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.
15. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.
16. You know cowpies are not made of beef.
17. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.
18. You have known someone who has had one belt buckle bigger thanyour fist.
19. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other go first.
20. You know in which state Mi-AM-uh is and in which state Miam-ee is.
21. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.
22. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.
23. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 4x4 is.
24. You know everything goes better with Ranch.
25. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.
26. You actually get these jokes and tell them to your friends.
Finally, you are 100% Oklahoman if you have ever heard this conversation:
"You wanna coke?"
"Yeah."
"What kind?"
"Dr. Pepper."
1. You can properly pronounce Eufaula, Gotebo, Okemah, andChickasha.
2. You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies.
3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.
4. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
5. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
6. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.
7. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.
8. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
9. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
10. You measure distance in minutes.
11. You refer to the capital of Oklahoma as "The City."
12. It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash.
13. Little smokies are something you serve only for special occasions.
14. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.
15. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.
16. You know cowpies are not made of beef.
17. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.
18. You have known someone who has had one belt buckle bigger thanyour fist.
19. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other go first.
20. You know in which state Mi-AM-uh is and in which state Miam-ee is.
21. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.
22. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.
23. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 4x4 is.
24. You know everything goes better with Ranch.
25. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.
26. You actually get these jokes and tell them to your friends.
Finally, you are 100% Oklahoman if you have ever heard this conversation:
"You wanna coke?"
"Yeah."
"What kind?"
"Dr. Pepper."
Daily Dosage of Jokage
My friend Charli sent me a few .jpg files today. As usual, she's good for a few chuckles. Hope you enjoy them too.
Fire Siren
A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl riding down the sidewalk in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walks out to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," he says admiringly.
"Thanks, Mister Fireman," the girl says.
The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies sweetly, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
The firefighter walks out to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," he says admiringly.
"Thanks, Mister Fireman," the girl says.
The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies sweetly, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
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