Things a Southerner Should Know

* Roadrunners don't say "Beep Beep".
* There are 5,000 types of snakes; 4,998 live in Texas.
* There are 10,000 types of spiders. 10,000 live in Texas.
* Armidillos love to dig holes under tomato plants.
* Racoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe.
* If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
* Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.
* There are valid reasons some people put constatine wire around their house.
* A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.
* South Texas has 5 seasons:
-Spring, Feb 16 to April 15
-Summer, April 16 to July 15 (temp 90 to 98 degrees)
-Super Summer, July 16 to Sept 10 (temp 100 to 115 degrees)
-Summer, Sept. 11 to Oct 1 (temp 90 to 98 degrees)
-Fall, Oct 2 to Dec. 1
-Winter Dec. 2 to Feb 15
There is NO rainy season (or rain).
* The wind blows at 90 mph from Oct. 2 until July 15, then it stops totally (South and SW Texas).
* "Onced" and "twiced" are words.
* It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.
* Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.
* If you only see one fire ant on you, then you're not looking close enough.
* Graduating 1st in your class means you left in the 8th grade.
* Coldbeer is one word.
* People actually grow and eat Okra (usually fried).
* When the world ends, only cockroaches and mesquite trees will survive.
* Green grass DOES burn.
* When you live in the country, you don't have to buy a dog. City people drop them off at your gate in the middle of the night.
* The sound of coyotes howling at night is something you get used to.
* When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to go to the doctor.
* Fixinto is one word. (sometimes: "finta")
* A "tank" is a dirt hole in the ground that holds water for irrigation. (Known elsewhere as "pond.")
* "Backards and Forards" means "thorough."
* You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is.
* You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
* The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit.
* Pretty much how many fish are in "a mess."
* What general direction catty-wampus is.
* That "gimme sugar" doesn't mean pass the sugar.
* When somebody's "fixin" to do something, it won't be long.
* The difference between Yankees and damn Yankees.
* How good a cold grape Nehi and cheese crackers are at a country store.
* Ain't nobody's biscuits like Grandma's biscuits.
* A good dog is worth its weight in gold.
* Real gravy doesn't come from the store.
* When "by and by" is.
* The difference between "pert near" and "a right far piece."
* Never go snipe hunting twice.
* What happens when you swallow tobacco juice.
* Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
* You may wear long sleeves, but you should always roll 'em up past the elbows.
* You should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to anybody.
* A belt serves a greater purpose than holding Daddy's pants up.
* Rocking chairs and swings are guaranteed stress relievers.

A Woman's Three Wishes

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes: Whatever you wish for, your husband will also get, but 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."

So, KAZAM -she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

The moral of the story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses. As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.

Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation. She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."

George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, don't worry 'bout it. You know, if you hadn't said anything I woulda thought it was one of the horses."

Good Idea for the Dentists

The pretty young lady was having a tooth pulled. The dentist gave her the usual, "This won't hurt a bit" routine as he bent forward to begin.

He immediately drew back in complete alarm. "Miss," he said in a barely audible whisper, "You have hold of my testicles!"

"Yes, doc, I know," she smiled, "and we aren't going to hurt each other, are we?"

SOMEBODY ELSE

A 70 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man.

"Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

If the Rabbi Will Stay...

A popular young rabbi announces to his congregation on Sabbath eve that he will not renew his contract. He explains that he is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush. No one wants him to leave. So Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and proclaims, "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a minivan to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds.

Sam Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the Rabbi will stay on
here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college
education of their children!!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Goldfarb, age 70, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I'll give him sex!"

There is total silence. The Rabbi, blushing, asks her, Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw the Rabbi'!"

Not so good Toothpaste

Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely i can't look that old?"

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed her DDS diploma, which bore her full name. Suddenly, I remembered a cute, curvy and luscious dark-haired girl with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could she be the same girl on whom I had a secret crush, way back then?

Upon seeing her, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This wrinkling, gray-haired woman with the sagging bosom was way too old to have been my classmate. hmmm,...or could she?

After she examined my teeth, I asked her if she had attended Central High School.

"Yes. Yes, I did. " She gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

She answered, "In 1967. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

She looked at me closely. And then, that miserable, near-sighted, ugly, old, wrinkled witch asked, "What did you teach?"

Punk Kid

Those kids are getting younger every year.

Fitness is SO Important

(This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.)

Dear Diary,
For my 40th birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 year ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress...

Monday:
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. ...Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.

She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other junk too.

Thursday:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late.. it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

Friday:
I hate that heifer Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.)

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over I will also pray that next year my wife, (the devil), will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy.

Secret

(With apologies to my gay and lesbian friends... Hell; I just thought this one was funny, and reflects some of the attitudes I deal with on a day-to-day basis.)

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your penis?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies'."

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX."

The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call yours?"

The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me a beer.

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, because it's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!"

Horse's Trooper

An Oklahoma farmer got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the man in overalls, and began to throw his weight around. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket as he was swatting at some irritating flies buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problem with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common in Jackson County, Oklahoma. They're called circle flies 'cause they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper ponders this a minute, "Oh?" and goes back to writing the ticket, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer spit and says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a pause the farmer smiled, "Hard to fool them flies, though."