Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Brooklyn Tony replied, "You know, my grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat six candy bars at a time?"
Brooklyn Tony answered, "No, he minded his own f***ing business."
Monday, April 16, 2007
Brooklyn Tony: On Grammar (2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!"
Then the teacher reluctantly called on Brooklyn Tony.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f***ing beautiful!' "
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!"
Then the teacher reluctantly called on Brooklyn Tony.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f***ing beautiful!' "
Brooklyn Tony: On Grammar (1)
Brooklyn Tony was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Tony, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word urinate in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Brooklyn Tony, thought for a bit, and then said, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Tony, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word urinate in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Brooklyn Tony, thought for a bit, and then said, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!"
Brooklyn Tony: On English
Brooklyn Tony went to school, and the teacher said, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Tony said, "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiled and said, "Wow, Brooklyn Tony, that's a mouthful."
Little Tony said, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
Tony said, "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiled and said, "Wow, Brooklyn Tony, that's a mouthful."
Little Tony said, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
Brooklyn Tony: On Math
Brooklyn Tony returned from school, saying he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asked his father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,' and I said '6'," replied Tony.
"But that's correct!" exclaimed his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2'?"
"What's the f***ing difference ?" asked the father.
"That's what I said!
"Why?" asked his father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,' and I said '6'," replied Tony.
"But that's correct!" exclaimed his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2'?"
"What's the f***ing difference ?" asked the father.
"That's what I said!
Brooklyn Tony: I Like Your Thinking
The teacher asked her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She called on Brooklyn Tony.
He replied, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replied, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."
Then Brooklyn Tony said, "I have a question for you. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Brooklyn Tony replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."
He replied, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replied, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."
Then Brooklyn Tony said, "I have a question for you. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Brooklyn Tony replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."
Sunday, April 1, 2007
1956 v. 2006
You decide which society's climate is better.
Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.
1956 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.
2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1956 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.
2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1956 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Now he sits still in class.
2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.
1956 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.
1956 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1956 : Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2006 : Pedro's cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up an ant hill.
1956 - Ants die.
2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.
1956 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.
Is something wrong here?
(Sorry, I realize this isn't a joke; it's a sad commentary on our society. But I hadn't posted anything on the joke blog in a while.)
Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.
1956 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.
2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1956 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.
2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1956 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Now he sits still in class.
2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.
1956 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.
1956 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1956 : Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2006 : Pedro's cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up an ant hill.
1956 - Ants die.
2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.
1956 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.
Is something wrong here?
(Sorry, I realize this isn't a joke; it's a sad commentary on our society. But I hadn't posted anything on the joke blog in a while.)
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