(list compiled and invented exclusively by Mark Alan Hurst and Wil Chandelle Fry IV, in Memphis, Tenn., May of 1997)
(This isn't for young children, unless you're prepared to answer some difficult questions.)
1. Leper Barbie
2. Epileptic Barbie
3. Hermaphrodite Barbie
4. Bearded Barbie
5. Syphilis Barbie
6. AIDS Barbie
7. Rigamortis Barbie
8. Bed-Wetting Barbie
9. Diarrhea Barbie
10. Anorexic Barbie
11. Bulimic Barbie
12. Crack-Head Barbie
13. Obesity Barbie
14. Quadriplegic Barbie
15. Truck Stop Barbie
16. Blow Job Barbie
17. No Job Barbie
18. Sex Toy Barbie
19. Vibrator Barbie
20. Flat-Chested Barbie
21. Mutant Barbie
22. Radioactive Barbie (glow-in-the-dark!)
23. Hellen Keller Barbie
24. Fartin' & Belchin' Barbie
25. Harelip Barbie
26. Bucktooth Barbie
27. Senile Barbie (a.k.a. "Alzheimer Barbie")
28. Alcoholic Barbie
29. Weightlifting Barbie
30. Drag Queen Ken
31. Teenage Pregnant Barbie
32. False Teeth Barbie
33. Chemotherapy Barbie
34. Lesbian Barbie
35. B.O. Barbie (now with scratch-N-sniff!)
36. Bestiality Barbie
37. Mongoloid Barbie
38. PMS Barbie
39. Brain Dead Barbie (a.k.a. "Vegetable Barbie")
DISCLAIMER: None of the Barbie Dolls listed herein should be construed to represent actual Barbie Dolls. This list is intended purely for the purpose of fictional humor, and is not intended to offend or poke fun at any disadvantaged group of humans. Please feel free to laugh, without feelings of animosity toward the authors (who may or may not also be characters of fictional humor).
Monday, June 18, 2007
Friday, June 1, 2007
In Honor of Stupid People
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed due to stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(but that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be...?)
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
(printed on bottom) "Do not turn upside down."
(well ... a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(and you thought...?)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could really reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just got those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(I'm taking this because...?)
On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor"
"Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(step 3: say what?)
On a child's Superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God ... was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
In fact, almost any product made or sold today contains silly warnings like these. Feel free to send in your favorites.
On a Sears hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(but that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be...?)
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
(printed on bottom) "Do not turn upside down."
(well ... a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(and you thought...?)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could really reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just got those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(I'm taking this because...?)
On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor"
"Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(step 3: say what?)
On a child's Superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God ... was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
In fact, almost any product made or sold today contains silly warnings like these. Feel free to send in your favorites.
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